SiskRacine17

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Its 2am Its dark outside I look over at my clock with the sudden realisation that there are literally hundreds and thousands of people out there getting wasted on cheap booze and generally having a much better time than me I rub my eyes sigh shake my head and get back on with it Not because Im better than them And not because Im some sad lockedin loser either although that is debatable You see I dont need the usual distractions booze fun women daylight other people normal human society all fade into obscurity I care not for these things Why? Because I have stumbled upon the ancient art of Midget Throwing [http://www.ancientartofbellydance.com/ Ancient Art of Belly Dance in New England] Perhaps its a sign of the times Perhaps I have finally gone crazy Ive spent all night looking at flying dwarves Theres a story to this you may have seen our recent article The ATeam Then And Now If you havent then youd better drag your worthless ass over there After putting that particular masterpiece online I read through and one sentence in particular lept out at me: "Mr T is winner of the Worlds Toughest Bouncer contest One of the events in the competition was dwarf tossing since outlawed" Dwarf Tossing? That sounds amazing I just had to find out more The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing Midget Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980s a pub game for bored white trash country types bored with driving their tractors According to one website hosted on the evertrusty BBCcouk no less: "This pub sport can be played by anyone as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional but strongly recommended Both men and women can play and even compete against each other headtohead Unfortunately for the men the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped due to the womens constant complaints that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldnt want to wear the shirt of a chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway [http://www.ancientartofbellydance.com/ Ancient Art of Belly Dance in New England] Large muscles strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarfthrowing athlete However to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox the speed of a leopard the timing of a magician the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp In order for persons pacified with their horizontallyperpendicular circumstances to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Throwing Dwarf who if on tour can earn a sixfigure sum for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise" "Unlike golf this is a true spectators sport worthy of any Olympic games but thanks of the interventions of persons who negotiate a humour deficiency no professional body has been created to globally organise and fund what can only be described as the only sport that promotes an unprejudiced view of society even though a British Association of Dwarf Throwers does currently exist" Christopher Reeve shudders in his grave Lois Lane silently weeps These flying midgets get six figure salaries? Can this be true? Which makes me wonder who in the name of Jesus H Jones pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine putting this on your resume? I wonder if these talented human missiles get hazard pay? Basically the rules are as follows you pick up your selected midget who will likely be adorning some kind of safety helmet and vest take a three step runup and throw the little bugger as far as you possibly can And there you have it possibly the most nonPC sport ever invented Whoever gets their human missile the furthest is the winner Although I shudder to think what kind of prizes would be given Sexual favours perhaps who knows? The Roots The first of these twisted little events to get any real recognition was The Dwarf Throwing World Championship I kid you not which took place some time in 1986 further proof as to what a messed up decade that was That particular tossfest was won by Team England Danny Blue Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant the heroes of the hour Making And Breaking Records Take a glance at the rather marvellous newspaper clipping to the right I guarantee it is genuine The current world record for the longest throw is held by some white trash nutcase called Cuddles Bless I bet he loves his mommy and everything The throw was an impressive 12 feet 9 inches Cuddles belongs to a team of circus escapees calling themselves Oddballs The Oddballs are mainly famous for their rather racy and unnervingly homoerotic baloon dance which basically involves them prancing about naked with baloons covering their pinkened shrunken manhoods It seems the local newspapers were all over this event keen to bring you the latest on this extreme spectator sport for the new millennium It seems not much happens in whatever sleepyhickfilled country hovel this took place in we will call it Sheepballonsea Either that or there was some crazy sickening midget sex fetish going on at the time Oh and by the way if you give a shit according to some random haggared site Ive since forgotten about the English are still world champs Another black eye to national pride methinks We might suck at the Olympics or any other real sport for that matter but damn we really can let those midgets fly Understandably when people heard about this sick nonPC offensive yet strangely fascinating sport they rallied enmasse to have it banned Wow that must have been one hell of a sight hundreds of people marching down on the houses of law demanding that the verticallychallenged have the right to stay on the ground I wish I could have been there Damned hindsight The year was 1989 and the worlds only support group for the verticallychallenged The Little People Of America went to Florida and convinced the lawmakers there that this strange sport is infact cruel and should be stopped The measure banning dwarftossing was passed with a wide margin and dwarftossing was outlawed in both Florida and New York Yet in the LPAs home state of Texas you can still throw migdets about to your hearts content Want to abuse a midget? Now you have to get in your car and drive Later Dave Flood who appears on a morning radio talk show as "Dave the Dwarf" took the issue to court and made the sport illegal in bars Thanks Dave In Ontario Canada the Dwarf Tossing Ban Act 2003 was enacted with penalties of a fine of not more than 5000 or to imprisonment for a term of not more than six months or both Perhaps they have a special wing in the jails for the dwarftossers Hmmm Despite all this fancy legal action this bizarre sport is still taking place today During my research for this article compulsive waste of time I stumbled across some random Satantype website that had a section on DwarfTossing These photos see below were taken at a recent event probably deep in the heart of Sheepballonsea One thing I noticed if you look closely at the photos its the same midget being thrown by each one of those hickory hillbillies [http://www.ancientartofbellydance.com/ Ancient Art of Belly Dance in New England] The poor bastard Thats just not right He doesnt even get a helmet or anything Remember folks no matter how bizarre different or strangely fascinating this obscure and perverse sport may seem dont try it Johnny Law will be two steps behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in jail Youve heard about what they do to rapists in prison right? Imagine what theyd do to a Dwarf Thrower In conclusion its never cool to be a tosser

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