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5 Ways Delivering Food Is Like Living in a Tarantino Movie
<html>The first job I ever had was working as a delivery driver for Mr. M's, the shadiest sandwich shop in the history of creation. "Mr. M's sure is a strange name for a sandwich shop!" you might be saying to yourself, and I couldn't agree more. The only reason the place was named Mr. M's is because the business that was there before us was a sub shop called Mr. Jim's, and my manager cunningly realized that it is far cheaper to simply remove two letters from the sign than buy a whole new one. The front of the building literally read "Mr. __m's", with the eerily naked spacing of those two missing letters staring out at you like a photo in a child's obituary, demanding to know how the world could've allowed this to happen. That sentence also describes what it was like to work there for a summer. Here are five of the most terrifying misadventures I had as a delivery driver for the most nefarious restaurant ever built.
- 5. Nothing About My Employment Was Legal and Everyone Thought I Was a Murderer
Marcin Sadlowski / Getty Images
I got the job because I happened to see a Help Wanted sign in the window and walked in to ask about it. The manager looked like Ted DiBiase if he'd blown his knees out, nursed himself back to health on nothing but meatball subs, and then choked a man to death over a poker game. The interview he gave me consisted of two questions -- "Do you have a car?" and "Can you start tonight?" This was roughly the same interview process faced by Dennis Haysbert in Heat.
I answered "yes" to both questions, so I started that night -- he just handed me a stack of cash and sent me out to deliver sandwiches until 2 o' clock in the morning. He didn't even check to make sure I had a driver's license. For the first two weeks I worked there, the manager knew literally nothing about me beyond my first name and a general description he could provide the police in the event of my disappearance. He didn't ask for my last name,Syndicate Your Website Or Blog Content By Using Rss Feed
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Hemeroskopion / Getty Images
For example, this is pretty much what every payday looked like.
Because I was a 150-pound teenager who had never worked anywhere before, I did my best to say as little as possible to anyone so that I would seem cool and mature. This resulted in everyone referring to me as "the serial killer" and assuming that I was on all of the drugs in the universe. So if you called in a sandwich order to Mr. M's late one Saturday night, you'd hear the guy taking your order shout out "Hey, we got another delivery for the serial killer!" just before he hung up the phone.
When an impending shutdown finally forced us all to go get food handler's cards, it consisted of us driving 30 minutes out to a rec center on the opposite side of the city and watching an instructional video from 1993 starring a bunch of 12-year-old children offering helpful tidbits like "Don't bleed in the soup" and "You can't serve gray meat." I have no idea what audience this video was intended for, but I watched intently to see if any of the kids were trying to blink "Save us" in Morse code.
- 4. I Constantly Walked in on People Masturbating and/or Having Sex
Shironosov / Getty Images
At least once a week I would show up at a customer's house and be told to wait in the front hall (or occasionally the living room) while they disappeared to get their money, and I would be standing in full view of someone either hunched over a computer wrestling out a psychotic orgasm or manhandling the genitalia of a fellow human being. Without fail, every single person I saw doing this had a face like moldy chewing tobacco. "Delivery boy walks into an orgy" may sound like the beginning of a porno until you experience it in real life,basketball jerseys wholesale, where it is closer to the prologue of an Italian horror movie.
I bore witness to more terrifying nudity than in 8MM. It's like if Tony Montana ordered a party calzone and then made the delivery guy stand there and watch him take a bath in his giant Jacuzzi tub before agreeing to pay for it. People gave me about as much regard as if the cat had just walked into the room and were content to leave me waiting in a nimbus of penis burps while they looked for their wallets, which for some reason never seemed to be directly on hand despite the fact that they had consciously called in an order for a Philly cheese steak and were presumably anticipating my arrival.
Hemera Technologies / Getty Images
"Here's an extra 10 for heroically keeping your feet after that wave of fuck thunder smashed into you when I answered the door."
I was once left standing in the entryway of a duplex by a guy in a T-shirt watching two bare-chested Lord of the Rings villains sitting in front of a computer in the next room and screaming impassioned demands at the Internet to relinquish the pictures of Angelina Jolie's vagina it was so cleverly hiding. These men were clearly just about to start thrashing baby paste out of their doom spigots, and they wouldn't have stopped if Santa Claus had tumbled in through a secret door behind the bookcase and asked them why they were making their mothers cry.
Vinicius Ramalho Tupinamba / Getty Images
"Delivery, you say? Just a moment, I'm almost finished here."
- 3. I Witnessed Criminal Activity on a Daily Basis,Wholesale Nike NFL Jerseys, Both Inside and Outside the Restaurant
Selimaksan / Getty Images
Mr. M's was located in a strip mall that contained a sex toy dungeon, a gay bar called the Nutty Buddy with a picture of Laurel and Hardy on the side, a travel agency, and a KB Toys. It was the site of a future stop on a ghost walk. I expected Michael Biehn to appear in a lightning storm by the dumpsters at any second.
My co-workers would routinely stand outside along the front of these shops and peddle boxes of the most bizarre collection of stolen wares anyone has ever seen -- random stacks of children's storybooks with gold-lined pages, Happy Meal toys from 1987, a single nunchaku from a Ninja Turtle action figure, a La Bouche CD, troll dolls, and piles of Beanie Babies. They were like shoe boxes full of Gypsy spells. I have no idea why anyone would want to buy anything my co-workers had obviously stolen from a drugstore the previous weekend, let alone why anyone would want to buy a Tarzan coloring book from a guy with a braided ponytail standing on a cracked sidewalk in front of a dimly lit pornography shop with a single entrance, but my co-workers had new things to sell every week.
Paul Vasarhelyi / Getty Images
"Wait, is that my La Bouche CD?"
Customers would try to sell us stolen stuff, too. It was like a trading caravan in Sherwood Forest. I got cornered in the parking lot by two girls with iodine-stained fingers who were determined to sell me a bag of women's cosmetics that I'm pretty sure still had shards of broken glass in it.
Also, a solid 30 percent of our customer base would be actively involved in a drug deal when I showed up with their food, either discussing one in detail over the phone or actually exchanging baggies of cocaine for wads of money as I stood there becoming a material witness. I literally had two guys look at me in alarm and mutter something to their ringleader,Wholesale NFL Jerseys, who responded,Yakupov, Oilers endure peaks and valleys
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Istvan Csak / Getty Images
"I forget, do you accept cash or bullets? It's cash, right? Yeah, I thought so."</html>
4 Bizarrely Specific Rules Fairy Tale Adaptations All Follow
<html>Now that Hollywood has exhausted every possible gritty reimagining of all our comic book heroes, they've turned to the world of childhood fairy tales for "new" material. And we'd almost forgive them for it if it wasn't for the fact that every studio is hitting the exact same beats with every retelling.
- 4. They're All "Dark Reimaginings" of the Original Story
Most fairy tales started out as horror stories intended to terrify children into good behavior, so there's something kind of poetic about Disney and company exploring the darker sides of the stories that they once, well, Disneyfied. That being said, what's the fun in making fairy tales too dark for the people they were originally intended for -- kids?
ABC Studios
"Alice's Insane Asylum play set comes with everything seen here. Shock treatment kit sold separately."
The upcoming ,cheap jerseys with free shipping, for example, tells the story of Sleeping Beauty from the curly horned villainess' point of view. The TV show Once Upon a Time gave her own spinoff, but set the story in an insane asylum where Alice is threatened with a lobotomy after having her adventures.
And it's only getting worse -- we've got the upcoming Beauty and the Beast, simply titled and written by the dude who did Danny Boyle's last film. After that we're also getting a "in the vein of Batman Begins." Because lord knows kids have been demanding to see Pan go back to his Frank Miller roots.
- 3. Every Evil Villainess Is Played by a Famous Hot Actress
We're not exactly complaining, but it appears that the first thing these adaptations do is open up the original tale and replace every mention of "a warty evil witch" with "a beautiful lady." Maleficent stars Angelina Jolie as the mistress of evil, Alice in Wonderland took the plump Queen of Hearts and made her a big-headed Helena Bonham Carter,Indian Dresses On The Go
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Walt Disney
She'd win the Sexiest Costume prize at any Halloween party she attended, even if no contests were actually being held.
The only ones that make a lick of sense are Charlize Theron and Julia Roberts playing the queen in those dual Snow White movies. But considering the track record, we're guessing this has less to do with the source material and more to do with giving the grown-ups a little A-list eye candy during the film, because causing a boner is the new evil.
- 2. There Will Be Some Combination of Black Birds, Scary Forests, and Tall Castles
Apparently there's some rulebook of fairy tale adaptation consistency that states that it's A-OK to completely veer off the original plot but visually the film must match every generic dark magic story that ever existed.
Specifically, these adaptations have to mix and match big asshole birds flying at us (preferably around a tall castle), a dark forest,[1]
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The new has all of these things.
Walt Disney
So did .
Warner Bros.
Oz replaced crows with flying monkeys, but kept all the .
Walt Disney
Snow White and the Huntsman took place where ravens are apparently the dominant species.
Walt Disney
Cliche is coming.
Yes,basketball jerseys wholesale, with all the money,Wholesale NFL Jerseys, talent, and time put into these films, they all have the same streamlined atmospheric creativity as a haunted house decal.
- 1. Everyone Is an Action Hero for Some Reason
In what must be executive meddling at its finest, the single most common denominator for all of these new fairy tales is that, no matter the character's background or age, he or she must have the ability to kill a person with a broadsword. Sure, Snow White's fine and all, but how can we really like her unless she's seen jumping through fire with a shield?
Walt Disney
Considering how wooden Kristen Stewart is, this is doubly dangerous.
And sure, the story of Jack the Giant Slayer follows a young naive kid learning the valuable lessons of giant safety, but that's no reason for him not to ninja down on a giant's back like a drunken Matrix villain.
Warner Bros.
"Awesome!" -
The same goes for Alice, of course, as the new Once Upon a Time in Wonderland TV show decided that a story about white rabbits and talking disembodied cat heads isn't interesting unless the main character knows how to slit a throat with zero remorse.
ABC Studios
We're pretty sure "Off with their heads!" isn't supposed to be her line.
For the sake of fuck, even the Mad Hatter from Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland gets a swashbuckling duel like he's Captain Jack Sparrow.
Walt Disney
Johnny Depp insists that all contracts include at least one silly sword fight per role.
Because isn't that what fairy tales are all about? Remember the three most basic fairy tale morals: follow your heart; dreams can come true; and yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.</html>
