Bio Hazards8081374

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We've got this fancy new employee directory web site at operate. It really is meant to help us discover one another, by displaying our office places, phone extensions, and also a photo.

It is not, I've been told, meant to help us discover pics and telephone numbers of hot chicks on the floor above us, so we can contact and giggle at them like an idiot. I've been told this a number of times, the truth is. The final time in writing, even. What ever.

Anyway, we've also been encouraged to fill out a 'biography' section for the website. No bunch of nameless and faceless cogs are we -- they want us to study about one another, to share our interests and objectives and aspirations.

I've tried this 'sharing' thing. And it is not exercising. I just can not locate a bio that screams 'Charlie!' Not in a supportive, unhorrified tone of voice, anyway. My attempts have not gone nicely.

1st, I tried the 'Employee in the Month' angle:

'I've been working here to get a little over two years. My hobbies include filing papers, operating late, fetching coffee for the boss, and just becoming the bestest darned member of 'Team Success' I know how to be. Gosh!'

No good. I proofread that, and gave myself a wedgie. I needed anything much more subtle. So I attempted the 'Interview-Speak' approach:

'My tenure of employment within the existing establishement has afforded me the opportunity to enhance my talent set, tackle technical challenges, and develop a powerful interdisciplinary view of our overarching mission as an organization.'

Nice. What does it mean? I have no fricking clue, and I spent twenty minutes writing it. I assume perhaps it describes the time I figured out the automatic towel dispenser in the bathroom. I am not certain. Bet I could land a CIO position with doubletalk bullshit like that some day, although.

I decided to go back to fundamentals, with the 'Honesty Is definitely the Most effective Policy' strategy:

'When I am not functioning, I delight in several hobbies. You could find me playing volleyball, cheering on the Red Sox, or passed out face-down in a pool of tequila and lemonade outdoors my regional liquor shop. Also, I like boobies. And I would not drink from the coffee pot around the fourth floor, if I had been you. Trust me on this a single.'

Honesty was by no means my robust suit. So I attempted the other intense and went the 'I'm Better Than You' route:

'I came to this corporation from Harvard University, exactly where I earned several of my quite a few Masters degrees. Along with becoming a black belt in karate, jiu jitsu, tae kwon do, and various martial arts you roundeyes have in no way even heard of, I am also a planet champion yodeler, chess grand master, and Nobel Prize laureate. In my spare time, I model mens' underwear and preserve a topiary crafted as busts of renowned Danish physicists.'

Good work, to be positive. But someone's bound to sooner or later ask me to break a cinder block in half or trim their hedge to appear like Neils Bohr, and also the jig would be up. So that would not do, either.

I started to feel I'd under no circumstances possess a suitable bio, when an notion ultimately struck. What's the point of this bit of individual info, anyway? It's to encourage people to leave me the hell alone, so I can get some damned operate performed. Peachy. I understand how to accomplish that:

'I reside inside a modest studio apartment near the workplace, with my nine cats and life-sized cardboard Xena 'action figure' for business. I enjoy collecting stamps, writing Babylon 5 fanfic, and sorting recyclables into the right bins. Stop by my cube any time for you to talk about the inconsistensies inside the Skywalker clan backstory, the benefits of artifact-heavy Magic decks, or to trade Dungeon Master wardrobe recommendations. 'Live extended and prosper'!

Brilliant. And only marginally autobiographical. Hey, recycling is significant, dammit!

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